EXCERPT FROM BOOK….
The wind and snow hid my tears! I was running and running…did not care where . I just had to get out of the house. HAD TO! It was my first Valentines Day without her after 33 years together. I was tired of seeing all the Valentines ads and hearing all the ‘Love’ songs on the radio. Though it was 47 days since our last kiss and last nite together …I had been replaying those final 10 hours over and over again…especially today.
I kept hearing her last words to me in bed. I see her face…her eyes as she said “ Can you come home earlier tomorrow night from the rinks? I will put on make up for you and we can watch a movie and have some wine and alone time.” I said .. “Yes I will for sure, Honey”! I noticed a little shudder within her. I felt her hands and they were so cold. Then her toes…same! Her circulation had not been good since her diagnosis of cardiomyopathy at age 34 ( 16 years earlier) when we were shocked that her ejection fraction (heart pumping ability) was as low as 8%!! Her enlarged but weak heart could not pump the blood as it should to all extremities. As I oftened had to do come bedtime…I put her feet between my WARM thighs, until they warmed up. Then the same with her hands. Then I would hold her from behind as we lay on our sides…wrapping her completely with my warmth. After 15 to 20 minutes she would then smile and say “That’s much better, honey…thank you.” I kissed her goodnight. She fell asleep, so I thought. I put my nite light on low so I could work on my hockey schedule for posting next morning online.
Minutes later…she stretched out her right arm touching my chest. Then turned her head to say what would be her very last words to me. “Honey, thank you for looking after me and the family . I love you!” I kissed her again and said “ Thanks…now nite nite..sleepy head!” But I would often wonder why she picked that nite to say those last words. Did she know her time was coming? Colleen did not fear death but she did fear leaving others behind. I finished my schedule and turned the nite light off and just before putting my head on my pillow, I gently felt her forehead to feel the warmth…as I do several times during the night. Her doctor, Ted Cuddy…had said that her condition may be such that she would pass peacefully within her sleep. Feeling her forehead and gently bending over to hear her heart…was routine…and all was good…or so it seemed!
Awaking in morning…I was sneaking out of the bedroom to go post my slate of games online and make coffee and clean up. I always let Colleen sleep in. I noticed a smile on her face as I left the bedroom…not big…but just a smile. After an hour of admin and another hour of cleaning up after the night before, and almost 11am, I poured her a coffee and took it into the bedroom. Standing beside her, she was on her side with both hands under her cheek..still with that same little smile , looking so comfy & cozy….I did not really want to wake her up! I said in a low voice bending closer to her.. “ Colleen, it’s almost 11am. Want your coffee?” NO ANSWER! Then I gently shook her shoulders but still no response. I then felt her forehead and she was ICE COLD! I pulled back the covers! Listened for a heart beat…but none! I immediately started CPR and hollered to my daughter Ricki! She came and her first words were “ OH MY GOD, DAD…OH NO!!!” I told her to call emergency while I kept working on Colleen. I remember little Mila…almost 6…standing at the bedroom door! Told Ricki to take her into living room and wait for ambulance. It came quickly. And to my surprise, the lead paramedic was Tony, a long time friend that plays in my touch football league. His first words to me.. “ John, we will take care of her!”
I rode in the ambulance and though I knew she was gone…they would not tell me that! I had been through this twice before when her heart stopped but GOD allowed her to return both times! I feared that Colleen would not be returned for a third time. They rushed her into and through emergency to an operating room. I waited and waited for a doctor to let me know she was gone. I thought maybe she is back again!!! Then the doctor did come out and explained that they had to go through all possible steps but she was gone. It hit me really hard. My legs were weak as I put my hands against the wall. So much went through my mind. I have to call so many ..my family…her family…her friends. Got to get home immediately to tell kids and care for them. I did not care about work, games, ANYTHING else but being with my family IMMEDIATELY.
Waiting what seemed to be forever at St Boniface for that doctor to come tell me …so much else raced thru my mind! It had only been four days since I had taken Colleen to this same St Boniface emergency. It was on Christmas Eve daytime when Ricki called me at the rinks without Colleen knowing, to say that Mom was still resting on the couch but wheezing and coughing. Ricki watched over her Mom always and she was like a nurse to her mom and I was thankful for having her be with her mom when I could not! I told Ricki to take the phone to her. I told Colleen I would be coming home to take her to emergency IMMEDIATELY! I believed she may have fluid build up in her lungs. She said “ Not now John, it’s Christmas Eve….but I will promise to go to my doctor if not better after holidays”. I said .. “No…I am taking you NOW!” Then she said.. “ John, my legs are not shaved!” Again I said.. “ You have 30 minutes to shave them or I will shave them if you can’t!” (Have often had to do that when she was too weak).
Once at St Boniface Hospital they rushed Colleen in for testing and treatment. The male doctor put the xrays under the clips and said “ See these darker areas of your lung…it’s fluid build up. We will increase your Lasix to help remove the fluid.” Colleen said to the doctor while smiling at me. “ My husband thought that was what it was” . I remember taking the doctor aside while Colleen was in the dressing room….asking about results of the other tests. And if she should be confined to home rather than go to planned Christmas Day dinner at her sisters…and then to my families on Boxing day out in the country. The doctor said the following that has always stayed with me. “ Colleen’s condition is one that we cannot predict as to what can or may happen and when. All our tests show that she is reasonably coping well enough right now, but these tests just provide us with a snap shot of how she is at this very moment! Not tomorrow …not next week…not even once she walks out of this hospital.” WOW!
We celebrated a quiet Christmas Eve at home that nite…and then Christmas at Colleen’s sister on a very cold day…with her side of the family. I could see that it was hard on her and Ricki noticed it too but she did not want to let her own family down. But the next day, when I came back from checking on my sports centre early Boxing Day afternoon… I sensed that Colleen was not up to our usually hectic & overwhelming ROBERTSON clan boxing day gathering (easily over 40+ attending). I sat next to her while she was lying down and asked her to be honest with me. Did she want to go out to the countryside and was she up to it? And she did not want me to give up being with my clan (tradition). I said “We are not going out there! There will be other Boxing days! I will go buy another turkey and make us a great dinner! We will celebrate here. She gave me such a warm hug and lied back down. I raced to the store to buy a hopefully unfrozen turkey and THANK GOD…there was only one left! I picked up more trimmings and it was such a good night for us! We watched the Christmas Classic with Jimmy Stewert.. “IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE!” It was a very special night. I remembered while cleaning up in the kitchen and Colleen’s Mom called to see how she was doing. Bending my ears a little…I smiled when Colleen said to her mom… “I am doing fine, Mom. Did not go out for the gathering of John’s family but he went and got another turkey and made a beautiful dinner for us and now we are about to watch movies.”
That was to be the last time she spoke with her mom. Colleen had a very nice evening and night and also the next day the 27th…a Tuesday, we had relaxing and peaceful good day at home. Little Mila, grand ma’s miracle grand girl was making Colleen laugh while dancing. Daughter Ricki comforted her mom not knowing it would be Ricki’s and Mila’s last day and evening with Grandma!
And yes, she was taken twice from us and returned. But this time she was taken home. To a place free of pain & suffering. I have only two regrets within my lifetime…but will share only one for now. If I had known that was to be her very last nite , I would have not gone to sleep. Many a night Colleen would try to get warm and comfortable in bed….by putting her head on my chest and stomach while I read with one hand and combed thru her hair with the fingers of my other hand, and massaging her temples and head…many a time she fell asleep in that position and I did not mind. I just turned the light off and tried to sleep sitting up. I regret NOT staying up that final night. I regret not having her in my arms during her last breath. I would have loved to just watch her all night long…to see the very moment of that little smile …when it happened. I would have loved to hold her as she left… I think of and regret that I could not.
Forty seven days later, on Valentines …running and running I found myself on the corydon strip around 5pm or so. I stopped to catch my breath! I had to get back home for supper with the family but I was just so down…so sullen…so ‘missing her’! While bending over to rest….hands on knees in a crouch position, I looked to see where I was. What did I see? A lower level shop that had a sign saying UNDER RENOVATIONS OPENING SOON. It was SKIN DIMENSIONS: A Tattoo biz. I knew the Corydon Strip pretty well ..having grown up in the area and see it morph into LITTLE ITALY and then much much more! I had never ever considered a tattoo….JUST NOT ME! LOL.. But when I thought maybe this would help me! Maybe I can get something for HER! To be with me forever! At that very moment I saw someone moving inside the store even though it was closed. I then thought that maybe I could book an appointment to have a tattoo done then I could have time to think about what I want in a tattoo for her. I decided to knock on the glass door.
A woman came to the door and let me know when they would be officially re-opening. I thanked her and just as I was turning away, I heard a male voice say. “JOHN”? Turning…I recognized a face but not his name! It was Kelly McRae…the co –owner and a former goalie that played in my Canford Sponge Hockey league. I had over 6000+ participants in my sports programs (hockey, touch football and beach volleyball) back when Kelly played and though I did not know or remember everyone’s name……I did remember faces! And I remembered his smile!! Kelly asked what he could do for me. I shared about losing Colleen and was out running and found myself in front of his store front. That I would never have considered a tattoo but when I saw the sign, it hit me …Maybe having a tattoo reminding me of her…being with & on me…wherever I go, just maybe that would help. Kelly expressed his condolences and sadness.
To my utter surprise, Kelly said.. “ Let’s do it, John! Right now”. I was shocked and overtaken with emotion. “Right now, Kelly?” “Sure, John…I can do it! Let’s go into the prep room and you start thinking about the design…give me a couple of ideas…I will quickly sketch them, then you choose…and I will do it!!! Then you will be out of here in no time at all, John!” My head was swirling. It took a couple of sketches and Kelly was so good in being patient and then all of a sudden…I combined two of his sketches into one! It was to be… Two hearts intertwined with letter J in one heart and letter C in the other…and each heart having just one wing on each side . And I wanted the words ‘WITH ME’ above the hearts and below…the word ‘ALWAYS’. And I wanted this tattoo of hearts…over MY HEART! When Kelly finished and I stood up…he saw my tears as I looked into the mirror. I gave him a huge 5 second hug and I noticed his misty eyes. Little did I realize just how many times I would be sharing this story over the years to come! And I was and still am thankful how many times GOD has placed so many caring people within my path! And Kelly Mcrae was the PERFECT person (and medicine!!!) at the PERFECT TIME! And whenever others speak of tatoos…I share my story and the caring kindness of Kelly Mcrae and every time I drive down Corydon…I point out and retell to those within my car …what happened on that special Valentines Day of 2006~ Thanks to GOD putting Kelly and Skin Dimensions in my path!
I was so late and I knew that Ricki, Robbie, and Mila would be worried about where I was. I ran again…but no longer with tears…but a smile! As I entered home…Ricki was in the kitchen making late supper waiting for me. Mila at her side. Ricki said she was worried and where was I. Without saying a word…I undid top buttons of my shirt and showed her the tattoo. Ricki said “No way Dad! That’s one of those patches that wash away”. I motioned to her to come see. She did. She touched. She saw the initials…the wings…and the words! She got emotional and said she loved it! I explained why I chose this design and why over my heart. When I said to little 6 year old Mila that Grandma’s heart is now on Grampa’s REAL heart, Mila said.. “Grampa, can I touch Grandma’s heart?” At that very moment…trying to hold back tears…I let her touch Grandma’s heart. Mila said “Its very pretty, Grampa.”
I excused myself quickly ..saying I had to go the bathroom. And I did! But only to look at the tattoo again…in a full mirror and to try and compose myself. Then I quickly went into our bedroom and locked the door. I had to be strong for the kids and Mila. But in this room…OUR bedroom…it was where we spent over a third of our daily lives! I took Colleen’s favorite red sweater from her closet and lied down with it in our bed. I could not lie on her side of the bed but I did put my head on her pillow pulling it closer…turning on my side as I always did to keep her warm. I closed my eyes and thought back to that January 14th night when I first met her. When I walked into that club and asked my Bison football friends whom was the best looking girl in the hall of 400..they all pointed to the WOMAN IN RED. Head on her pillow, my eyes closed, in my mind I could still see that 17 yr old stunning girl so clearly .. 33 years later …and now as I lie there, the scent of her ..on her sweater and pillow.. brought heavier tears. I cried and cried and cried…til I had no more tears left. I missed that feeling of holding her …NOT wanting to let go! Missing her! Aching for her! And I cannot even remember falling asleep. Valentines would never be the same. January 14th would be forever remembered …and the story of the Woman in Red…would always be shared!